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Raging at Death's Destruction

It’s been six months since my father died. In a way, I am experiencing the grieving process for the first time. Yes. I have grieved for others—grandparents, pets, relationships lost to distance and time. But grieving for my father is different; the pain of his loss cuts deeper.

I’ve been writing out this cutting pain through poems, essays, and remembrances. I sometimes feel I’m observing myself from outside of myself, attempting to make sense of what I’m feeling. I’m not yet ready to share most of these thoughts. Just revisiting them in my journal can cause me to close my eyes and shut them out, shut the book, grasp for something, almost anything else. Someday I’ll be ready to face them and to savor their sacred beauty. Encountering them now still takes my breath away.

But this most recent observation is ready to be released into the world—or so I believe. If you are experiencing a season of grief, I pray you’ll find some solace here.

A few weeks ago, I realized that every death notice was stirring up an angry reaction within me—like pouring vinegar on baking soda. I saw on the internet that a politician died and felt agitation swell up in every limb. I read on Facebook that a friend lost a spouse and scrunched my face and hands. I watched a television show where a celebrity who died a few years back made a guest appearance and shook my head. “Yep. Death got him, too. Stupid Death.” I realized I was starting to feel as if Death were lurking around every corner, gleefully snatching our loved ones right out of this world.

Because yes. Death is doing that. And suddenly it’s painfully real.

But I know that Death has been defeated. Jesus conquered death once and for all when He died and rose from the dead. Death could not hold Him. As a result, Death cannot hold us either. My dad and my grandparents and anyone else who dies having accepted Jesus as Savior is alive in heaven with God right now—and for eternity. I’ve heard I’m supposed to be celebrating.

And yet, all I felt was anger.

And so, I asked God to help me understand. I started watching for His reply.

It came to me quietly while I was reading The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis for the second time in my life. This book is the fourth book in Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series. I can’t say that it was anything specific that Lewis wrote that helped me find my answer. It was more about the feelings and thoughts that came into my head as I was reading one of the book’s final scenes.

[Spoiler Alert] Near the end of the book, Aslan resurrects Prince Caspian from the dead in front of Eustice and Jill. They realize Aslan has taken them all to “the end of the world” (213). With such a revelation, they of course want to stay.

But Aslan says, “When you meet me here again, you will have come to stay. But not now. You must go back to your own world for a while” (214).

This is the now and not yet of the Gospel. Jesus has defeated death. His work on our behalf is finished now. But we still live in this world where death has not yet been banished for all time.

·         Death is still active in this world.

·         Death is still taking our loved ones away from us, one at a time in random fashion.

·         Death reminds us of the consequences of our sin and of our need for Jesus, the Savior.

·         Death has been defeated; its reign on earth will end. Just not yet.

The Parable of the Weeds in Matthew 13:24-30 and 36-43 also helped me understand. This parable explains the now and not yet of salvation, giving us hope for “the end of the world.” For now, for reasons only God in His perfect wisdom can understand, the weeds of sin and death are still growing. In God’s time, they will be destroyed. Yet the parable clearly names the one responsible for the weeds “the enemy.”

The enemy. Enemies hurt us. Enemies work against us. Enemies want to cause harm and to destroy. I should be angry when I see the results of the enemy’s work. My anger is justified. Satan and Death are wreaking havoc on people and places I love, on people and places God created and loves. The enemy is a fault. God promises us the enemy will be destroyed.

For this reason, I can take my anger to God and know that He’s still at work in this world, growing a harvest of people who live for Him. Like Jill and Eustice, I can remain in the land of the living until God calls me home, serving God with all my heart, loving His Creation back to Him. I still am grieving the loss of my dad. But my Heavenly Father is taking care of him.

 

Works Cited

Lewis, C. S. The Silver Chair. 1953. United States of America, Collier Books, 1970.

New International Version. Biblica, 1983, https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2013&version=NIV


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Photo by Polina M on Unsplash

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